THIS NEW "INVICTUS" POSTER IS RUBBISH..

Unbelievable.

NO, MEL GIBSON - WITH THIS ULTRAVIOLENT VIKING DRAMA YOU ARE TRULY SPOILING US!...

This is going to be fucking INSANE.

So after spending the last few years making merry in a sugartits-sized chasm of alcoholism and divorce, the Lethal Weapon legend and director of Catholic torture porn (that'll be the Passion of the Christ, then) finally returns to the screen in 2010's Martin Campbell-directed thriller Edge of Darkness. After that, he's heading up the forthcoming Jodie Foster comedy The Beaver (don't laugh - early word is terrific) and then, well, then he's going back behind the camera and it sounds all kind of mental...

According to producer Graham King, Gibson's untitled Viking epic will be "an awe-inspiring story, created with some of the industry s finest cinematic talent" (via Variety.) To be honest, they had us at "Mel Gibson + vikings." Sounds too perfect, right? Rape, pillage, accents, unyieldingly brutal expressions of personal faith...this really has got the star of Bird on the Wire and What Women Want written all over it!

The man behind the screenplay is William Monahan, who rocked our world with The Departed and wobbled it slightly with Kingdom of Heaven. Still, good fit for the material. And the project will be top-lined by Leonardo Dicaprio because, you know, everything has to be toplined by Leonardo Dicaprio (oh, btw, apparently Shutter Island is fantastic.) There's no question of course that big mad Mel can handle historical extravaganzas with his eyes gouged out - Braveheart bagged him Oscars galore back in 1995. And his last film as director, the amazing Mayan chase movie Apocalypto proved he could handle visceral, thrilling action in an unconventional setting.

Shooting begins in the Autumn, and as they say in the fjords: Norse to see you, to see you, Norse!

Can't wait.

But seeing as we are, here's a picture of Mel Gibson looking batshit mental:



Oh, and another one:

AND THE 2010 AWARD FOR STANLEY KUBRICK LOOKY-LIKEY OF THE YEAR GOES TO...

Climate bastard Professor Richard Lindzen!

GOOD FOR YOU, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN...

Oooh, looky!

A poster for INCEPTION...


Pretty, huh?

FUNNY, BECAUSE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT NOTTINGHAM IS LIKE: "ROBIN HOOD" TEASER HITS...

We're looking forward to this one.

Last seen poncing around in Kevin Mcdonald's journo thriller State of Play, Russell Crowe finally gets an opportunity to air out his husky action persona as he dons tights (maybe) and Lincoln green (perhaps) for fully certified Legend of Cinema Ridley Scott (that's Sir Ridley Scott to you) in an all-new, mega-gritty, ultra-muddy, rough and ready retelling of the classic tale.

With Cate Blanchett on board as Maid Marion, and Matthew McFadyen making a big blockbuster sized breakthrough as a suitably nefarious Sheriff of Nottingham, Scott's take on the Robin Hood legend promises hard-hitting action, a rousing story of an empire ripped apart, and the whole thing looks like it will be dripping in romance...

Now, forgive us for being presumptuous, but this all sounds a bit Gladiator to us, which is hunky dory as far we're concerned. After all, the last time Crowe and Scott hooked up, it was for the dull spy drama Body of Lies, and before that the dead-on-arrival turkey of A Good Year. The question is, can Robin Hood rescue their rep and ressurrect the historical action epic a second time? We say yay.

5 reasons why Robin Hood will be awesome...

1. It's an amazing story...one of the best ever, in fact, and frankly, it's theirs to fuck up.

2. Russell Crowe looks like he's channelling a bit of the old Maximus Decimus which is a VERY GOOD THING INDEED. Brood, Crowe, broooooood!

3. It looks jam-packed with exciting medieval bow 'n' arrows goodness, and the violence levels look promising - could this be the most bloodthirsty Robin Hood yet?

4. It's not all about Crowe and Cate - look at that supporting cast! Mark Strong! Danny Huston! William Hurt! Max Von bloody Sydow!

5. C'mon, it's Ridley Scott, and Ridley Scott is amazing. (Just don't mention Matchstick Men. Or GI Jane. Or White Squall. Or A Good Year. Okay, Ridley Scott is MOSTLY amazing...)

Arrows will fly May 2010.

In the meantime....

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE: A GENIUS WORK OF STAGGERING HEARTBREAK...OR, MONSTERS VS. ALIENATION...

THE GOOD...

1. It's about what happens when you find a family, lose it through your own selfishness and then, finally, after the dust has settled (in this movie there's literally a desert) realise for the first time in your life that the world doesn't necessarily revolve around you... Spike Jonze's thoughtful, nostalgic, terrifying adaptation of Maurice Sendak's timeless childhood tale evokes the sheer, gut-wrenching trauma of growing up unlike any film in recent memory....it's as much about making dens and sleeping together in a big pile as it is about what happens when you tear familes apart. A rich, rewarding film about childhood but not necessarily one for children - more likely, it's for twenty/thirtysomethings who can just about remember their own formative years and are still trying to make sense of it all.

2. The loud, kinetic, violent opening sequence that introduces us to Max (he bounds down the stairs, wrestles with his pet dog, then builds and destroys an igloo) is some of the most exciting film-making this year...the subsequent terrorisation of his mother (nicely underplayed by the brilliant Catherine Keener) is equally devastating - and the only monster on-screen at this point is Max himself... it's also one of the weirdest opening sequences to a family film you'll ever see.

3. The sea voyage to the land of the Wild Things is epic and scary, the storm that envelops Max wonderfully summing up the hero's escape from reality to fantasy after running away from home... it's a nice counterpoint to the fun and frolics that take place when the wild rumpus finally starts...And when it starts it's delightful, a real sugar rush.

4. Mesmerising debut performance from Max Records...it's probably no coincidence he looks like a young version of Jonze but he oozes charm even in his wildest, most anarchic moments...believe us, the guy's a star in the making (and just how cool is the name Max Records anyway?) Kudos to Jonze for going for an unknown and holding out for his guy.

5. Stunning visual FX work throughout...the transition from monster suit to CG facial expressions is flawless - these creatures have real heart... There's also perfect voice casting for the Wild Things, each of whom represent a different strand of Max's pre-teen angst...in particular, James Gandolfini plays Carol, the Wild Thing with the closest affinity to Max, with affection, frustration, arrogance and warmth.

6. Possibly the finest, most emotional goodbye you'll see on film this year...when Max finally has to leave Carol and the rest of the Wild Things for the long voyage home (this time through calmer seas) it's completely and utterly devastating...frankly, you'll feel as if your heart's been torn out.

7. Stubbornly uncommercial and all the better for it...this could have been a much more mainstream, more Disney-fied experience but thankfully Jonze sticks to his guns and, alongside screenwriter Dave Eggers, turns in a genuinely moving, artistically challenging masterpiece.

THE BAD...

1. It's slow in parts - expect the little ones to get very restless during some of the more contemplative, sadder moments during the film's middle and final acts... a short film at 94 minutes, but not exactly a quick one.

2. Nothing really happens...the film doesn't have the most complex of narratives but then again what do you expect from an adaptation of a story that's only 10 lines long?

3. No Arcade Fire...the soundtrack by Karen O & Friends is lovely and all, but the trailer promised some hot "Wake Up" action that sadly never transpires... Having said that, it's probably for the best - the film already contains plenty to stimulate those hipster waterworks...

THE VERDICT...

An emotionally bruising experience, Where The Wild Things Are is a kid's film for grown-ups with some beautiful work from Jonze, here working at the top of his game. Hold onto your hankies, it's an easy...

*****

THE BOX... SET THE CONTROLS FOR THE HEART OF INTRIGUE!...

THE GOOD...

1. It's adapted from stylish, schlocky source material...sci-fi Richard Matheson's short story Button, Button (previously filmed for a very 80s episode of the The Twilight Zone - see clips below...Matheson himself was the genius behind the original I Am Legend) sets-up a nice, simple premise: would you take $1million knowing full well that someone, somewhere else in the world, whom you don't know, will die as a direct result? Richard Kelly, director of sublime angstravaganza Donnie Darko and apocalyptic dirge Southland Tales, uses this apparently simple MacGuffin as a springboard for some increasingly insane, freaky conspiracy plotting.

2. Ladies and gentleman, Frank Langella... He stormed it in last year's awards-bothering Frost/Nixon and here he's brings the menace as Arlington Steward, the mysterious stranger behind pretty much every single nefarious going on in the film...In truth, he doesn't need the CG facial burns, that's just panto villain stuff - his malevolent uber-villain would be terrifying without the scars...in other words, he's creepy-as-fuck with sinister intentions (just exactly who are his "employers", mmmm?)

3. Cameron Diaz and James Marsden nail it as the ordinary, everyday couple driven to near-madness by their dilemma... Diaz in particular gets it just right as a mother and a teacher, physically deformed (dodgy foot, you know), wracked with guilt, driven to desperation...

4. Things get genuinely wacky in the last act... We mean VERY twisted, almost existentially so... Don't expect easy answers, though - seriously, who the fuck really knows what's really going on in the end? The best thing to with The Box is just to sit back, relax and hope that it all works out in the end (which it does, sort of.) Put it this way, this is The Parallax View via Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 specs) as seen through the eyes of David Lynch. Enjoy the ride.

5. It's probably evil... Ok, so The Box is a 12a certificate, but some really nasty things happen to key protagonists...the pervading sense of paranoia and desperation escalates as the film gets twistier and turnier and you really feel as if anyone (and we mean anyone) could pop their clogs at any given moment... For once, something worthy of the classic BBFC disclaimer "contains mild peril."

6. It's about 20 times better than Southland Tales... Admittedly, that's not really saying much given that Southland Tales was only marginally more enjoyable than a dagger in the balls, but there you go: The Box is 20 times better than something that's only marginally more enjoyable than a dagger in the balls. Put that on the poster, Warner Bros.

7. An amazing score by the Arcade Fire..it's big and baroque, full of 70s conspiracy thriller-style flourishes...the perfect, pulpy accompaniment to Kelly's labyrinthine craziness.

8. This is meant to be Kelly's "mainstream" breakthrough, a conventional thriller designed to bring in the punters. It's not. It's probably one the least commercial films you'll see in a multiplex all year. (In other words, not exactly a date movie.)

THE BAD...

1. The narrative flourishes that keep the film interesting will infuriate some... true, as the story becomes increasingly (ahem) cosmic, the screenplay sometimes veers into Shyamalan territory....if it feels silly, then that's probably because it is - let's be honest, some of the later revelations will not endear the film to skeptics...

2. Painfully slow in parts...the pace completely cranks down about half-way through when it should be ticking off those plot points. Thankfully, the movie rewards patience (and when we say "rewards patience" what we really mean is "it goes fucking nuts.")

3. The editing can be a bit random...Kelly has a habit of cutting to random images that allude to future events but make no sense in context...it's as if he feels the mystery is somehow enhanced by randomly whipping away to something wacky during inappropriate moments. In truth it justs makes the film even more pretentious.

THE VERDICT...

Barmy stuff from Darko director Kelly...The Box takes a mental premise and runs with it. Fine, so the story doesn't really stand up to scrutiny but that's not really the point. For sheer bollocks alone, The Box deserves a big, old-fashioned...

****

KILL BILL 3 TRAILER REVEALED...

"HARVEY" GETS STEWED..SPIELBERG STEPS AWAY FROM THE RABBIT, DUMPS ILL-FATED REMAKE...

Now, we're probably some of the biggest Spielberg fans out there (and yes, that includes 1941, Always and Hook) but even we're relieved at this one. All we can say is "phew, that was close..."

After successfully bailing out of the dreaded Oldboy remake with Will Smith, a project that couldn't have been more doomed if it tried, Spielberg has now gone one further and ditched Harvey, a proposed remake of the 1950 James Stewart classic and his next scheduled movie as director.

DIrected by Henry Koster and adapted by Mary Chase from her Pultzer Prize-winning stage production, Harvey is one of old Hollywood's sacred cows, a movie that's so beloved by so many that the idea of remaking it reeks entirely of mental. It's like trying to reimagine Casablanca, or The Maltese Falcon - you can't improve on perfection, right?

Thankfully, it seems that Hollywood's A-list agreed. After failing to secure either Tom Hanks, who allegedly didn't want to go anywhere near James Stewart's revered performance, or Robert Downey Jr, who helped develop the screenplay but couldn't commit to the material, Spielberg has announced his intentions to step away from the project to co-backers Twentieth Century Fox.

All of this flip-flopping has left Spielberg's reputation intact and his slate clean, leading to speculation about future projects.

Depending on the availability of one Mr. Liam Neeson (currently toiling away on Joe Carnahan's big-budget A-Team reboot) our money's on the long-gestating Lincoln biopic which Spielberg's been trying to get off the ground for years. A return to historical drama would suit him well after the popcorn fluff of Crystal Skull and next year's mo-cap Tintin extravaganza (co-produced with Peter Jackson, no less, from an Edgar Wright/Joe Cornish screenplay.) And we all know what happened the last time Spielberg and Neeson worked together...OSCAR GOLD.

Of course, if the Lincoln film's still not ready to go, there's always an adaptation of Michael Crichton's final novel Pirate Latitudes in the works... A Spielberg pirate movie? Consider us 100% on board...

Variety has the "Harvey" story HERE.

SCREW YOU, AVATAR...THE REAL GAME-CHANGER THIS CHRISTMAS IS "STAN HELSING"...

You've really got to hand it to Leslie Nielsen. Even at the ripe old age of 127, the Naked Gun actor really knows how to scrape the celluloid barrel. In evidence, we present for your consideration his latest magnum opus, Stan Helsing..

Unfortunately, we can't really give Nielsen any credit for this shitefest. All the blurb says that it's from "one of the guys who brought you Scary Movie" and, sadly, that poor soul happens to be a chap called Bo Zenga, one of the executive producers of the aforementioned Wayans Bros. smash. This time out, Zenga is the sole writer/director of a horror parody that pits a whole bunch of classic movie anti-heroes (Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, Pinhead etc) against a cast of hapless but attractive teenagers (and Leslie Nielsen, in drag) for one big monster mash-up.

The good news is that if this turns out as half as well as Zenga's previous work (his last writing credit was for 2004's Soul Plane) then Stan Helsing will literally be as good as half a turd.

Currently boasting an impressive 3.7 User Rating on the IMDB, Stan Helsing is out on DVD in the UK on 1st February 2010 - don't say we didn't warn you.

http://www.stanhelsingthemovie.com/

I AM SIGOURNEY WEAVER/I AM NOT SIGOURNEY WEAVER...AN UPDATE...

There has been no response from James Cameron at this time.

That is all.

SUBTITLES OF THE DAMNED: RED CLIFF...

OMFG!...PAUL GREENGRASS BAILS ON BOURNE 4!...

Let's be honest: The Bourne Ultimatum fucking rocked. So when it was announced a little earlier this year that Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass would reunite for a brand new Bourne movie in 2011, we were more than a little excited. In fact, we were well and truly stoked...

Sadly, amid allegations of studio entanglements, it looks like Greengrass has had a change of heart and left the project, releasing the following statement:

“You won't find a more devoted supporter of the Bourne franchise than me. I will always be grateful to have been the caretaker to Jason Bourne over the course of 'The Bourne Supremacy' and 'The Bourne Ultimatum.' I'm very proud of those films and feel they express everything I most passionately believe about the possibility of making quality movies in the mainstream. My decision to not return a third time as director is simply about feeling the call for a different challenge. There's been no disagreement with Universal Pictures. The opportunity to work with the Bourne family again is a difficult thing to pass up, but we have discussed this together, and they have been incredibly understanding and supportive. I've been lucky enough to have made four films for Universal, and our relationship continues. Jason Bourne existed before me and will continue, and I hope to remain involved in some capacity as the series moves on.”

Where this leaves the film is anyone's guess. According to this piece in Entertainment Weekly, Damon is apparently very loyal to the United 93 director but having said that, it wouldn't be the first time Greengrass has bailed on a valued property only for it to be resurrected by another director, after walking away from Watchmen in the middle of pre-production in 2005.

However, if Damon DID want to continue without Greengrass, we reckon these chaps are more than up to the task...

KATHRYN BIGELOW
One of the most exciting action directors on the planet, Bigelow cut her teeth with classy vampire thriller Near Dark and tough-as-nails cop movie Blue Steel, before taking on Keanu Reeves and a bleach-blond Patrick Swayze in iconic surf/robbery manfest Point Break. Apocalyptic, end-of-the-world sci-fi followed with 1994's stylish Strange Days, while this year's Iraq drama The Hurt Locker sealed Bigelow's rep for smart, testosterone-fuelled action and is generating serious awards buzzola. True, Bigelow doesn't make a lot of films, but when she does they're almost always incredible...

THE CASE AGAINST...A Bigelow Bourne would no doubt be brilliant. A Bigelow Bond would be better. Surely it's time to let Hollywood's top action-lady have a crack at Fleming's chauvinist secret agent? This HAS to happen... But if didn't, then Bourne would an amazing back-up...

STEVEN SODERBERGH
Since arriving on the scene in 1989 with controversial Palme D'Or winner Sex, Lies & Videotape, Soderbergh has spent the last 20 years carving out a reputation as one of Hollywood's most individual talents, continually treading a fine line between oblique weirdness (Schizopolis, The Limey) and more conventional awards-friendly fare (Traffic, Erin Brockovich.) However, 1998's Elmore Leonard adaptation Out of Sight was a grown-up mainstream hit while the "Ocean" movies proved that Soderbergh could adapt his style and deliver commercial entertainments to big audiences. He's also got a relationship with Bourne writer Tony Gilroy - Soderbergh was a producer on Gilroy's Oscar-winning tale of corporate intrigue, Michael Clayton..

THE CASE AGAINST...In the wake of such provocative recent films as Che Pts 1 & 2 and The Girlfriend Experience, there's probably not much of a challenge here for Soderbergh - his forthcoming slate sees him taking on subjects as diverse as Liberace & Cleopatra, so perhaps Bourne would be too much of a step backwards for this uncompromising auteur...

DOUG LIMAN
The former cinematographer kick-started the franchise with 2002's The Bourne Identity before handing over the reigns to Greengrass. An adrenaline-fuelled contemporary thriller, "Identity" not only convinced the world that Matt Damon could play a hard-ass super-spy, it established Liman's action credentials following solid work on smart indie comedy-drama like Swingers and Go. The movie was a surprise smash, and even paved the way for Casino Royale's Bond reboot. Sadly, Liman's never really come close to emulating its success - both 2005's Brangelina hook-up Mr & Mrs Smith and 2008's limp Hayden Christenson vehicle Jumper were critical disappointments, despite reasonable box-office.

THE CASE AGAINST...The first Bourne movie is widely regarded as the weakest of the trilogy, but frankly that's not saying much...a return to the franchise would the be ideal way for Liman to regain his position as king of big, glossy action drama...

What do you reckon?

24-FRAME GOLD..MANIAC COP

"You have the right to remain silent...FOREVER!"

From the twisted imagination of B-movie maestro Larry Cohen (The Ambulance, Q: The Winged Serpent) Maniac Cop is an efficient slice of grindhouse schlock that straddles both bollocks and brilliance and somehow manages to get away with it.

The fact that it's even vaguely watchable is remarkable - the plot is diabolical, the performances ham-packed (and I mean, completely & utterly Troma-terrible - sorry, Lloyd!) and the whole thing reeks of "direct-to-video" shoddiness, BUT...for something so undeniably cobblers, there's a wonky charm underpinning the gratuitous slasher violence on-screen. I mean, police brutality has rarely been so much fun! And more to the point, it's a B-list movie with A-list pretensions. Don't believe us? Check out the climactic car chase, a genuinely fun sequence with some really impressive stuntwork and production values way above its pay grade.

Throw in some amusing cameos from a couple of cult luminaries like Sam Raimi & Richard Rowntree and you've got yourself a good old Saturday night banger. And let's be honest, anything that keeps Bruce Campbell in beer money is fine by us.

SOME THOUGHTS ON "YEAR ONE"....

A bit shit, isn't it?

TRAILERS, Y'ALL: PERCY JACKSON...GREENBERG...CRAZY HEART....

PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF
Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario, Sean Bean, Pierce Brosnan, Steve Coogan, Rosario Dawson
dir. Chris Columbus



Get ready for some hot topless Percy action! At least, that's what's promised by the gratuitous opening shots of the latest teaser for Chris Columbus's next tweenage fantasy adventure franchise...Having said that, the entire tone of this trailer is altogether more grown-up than before, emphasising the darker, more intense elements of the story (MONSTERS! BROSNAN!) presumably in a concerted effort to entice the Twilight generation back into theatres. And although we're not entirely convinced it has the fanbase to pull off Harry Potter numbers, its broad appeal and inclusive story should guarantee it avoids a Cirque De Freak-style obliteration at the box office. Quality-wise, if it ends up in the region of The Spiderwick Chronicles then that's just dandy by us.

GREENBERG
Ben Stiller, Greta Gerwig, Rhys Ifans, Jennifer Jason Leigh
dir. Noah Baumbach



Latest slice of indie whimsy from Wes Anderson co-hort Baumbauch, here going it alone in the follow-up to 2007's under-performing Margot At The Wedding. It's been quite a year for Baumbach following the commercial success and critical glowers for his script work on Anderson's Fantastic Mr Fox, and Greenberg looks set to continue that run. Ben Stiller returns to his lo-fi roots as a New Yorker who moves to Los Angeles to house-sit for his brother and generally sort out his sorry, directionless life. The premise is pure Sundance-bait, but don't let that put you off - this looks like it's got bags of heart, something Baumbach's film are often accused of lacking. Even the presence of Rhys Ifans isn't that scary - this is a pretty straight role for the tabloids' favourite bad-boy.

CRAZY HEART
Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Robert Duvall
dir. Scott Cooper



Trust Jeff Bridges to pull it out of the bag... Following low-key turns in a couple of dodgy comedies (How To Lose Friends & Alienate People, The Men Who Stare At Goats - both based on Brit journo classics & both adapted by Peter Straughan, weirdly) the man who IS The Dude finally gets his teeth into something altogether more meaty...more Oscar-worthy, if you will, in Scott Cooper's low-key drama about a country singer coming to the end of his career. This looks like a complete and utter showboater from Bridges and the Academy Award nomination is pretty much guaranteed. Throw in some strong support from Maggie Gyllenhaal (who is never bad) and word-of-mouth to die for and this is shaping up to be that rarest of things - a serious, entertaining drama for grown-ups. Frankly, we're amazed Clint Eastwood didn't direct it. With this and the forthcoming 3D extravaganza Tron: Legacy in the offing, 2010 could be Bridges's year.

TJ MILLER = SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR...STILL LANDS ROLE IN YOGI BEAR MOVIE DESPITE APPARENT INTELLIGENCE, INITIATIVE...

Good for you, TJ Miller...

You may remember the up-and-coming comedian/actor from the JJ Abrams monster mash-up Cloverfield. He played Hud, the guy with the video camera fearlessly and, it's got to be said, implausibly documenting the creature's New York rampage for historical posterity. He was also the most quotable character in the whole movie - a neverending series of quips ensured his position as the only key player you didn't want to see dead at the hands of an evil, rampaging beast. Take, for instance, the classic, "it matters because I need to talk about something...otherwise, I'm actually probably going to shit my pants in this stairwell." That's some nice work right there...

Anyway, Miller's landed himself a bit of a plum comic role in an upcoming big-budget, big-screen reboot (or should that be reimagining?) of Hanna Barbera's ever-hungry ursine hero, Yogi Bear. He'll play Ranger Jones, hapless human foil to Jellostone's favourite picnic thief.

The reason why we're posting about this is the manner in which Miller got the part. After failing his initial audition (idiots!) Miller took matters into his own hands and filmed this hilarious showreel, which somehow made it in front of the producers and is now presented for your pleasure in amazing Yodpod-ovision...

Yogi Bear Audition With Real Bear - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Funny, yay? Sadly, Bam Bam will not be appearing in the movie and Yogi himself will be 100% pure CG. And yeeeeees, there's always the chance this could go the way of Scooby Doo, which drowned in lifeless effects and uninspired sight gags...

Despite this, the signs are good. The screenplay's been polished by Brad Copeland, a credible TV writer whose credentials include writing gigs on Arrested Development and My Name Is Earl. The director is Eric Brevig, a former FX man (he worked on The Abyss, Total Recall and The Day After Tomorrow, to name just three) who made his directorial debut with last year's 3D fun Journey To The Centre Of The Earth. Oh, and Yogi will be voiced by the legend that is Dan Aykroyd (we won't have a bad word against him, despite occasional forays into quackery.)

But it's Miller we're excited about. Yogi Bear may not exactly make him a prime candidate for the next Atom Egoyan film (every cloud etc) but it will give him an international platform and hopefully cement his reputation as a Very Funny Man. And maybe next time he won't have to work so hard on the audition.

Yogi Bear will be released in 2010 and for what it's worth, we reckon it will be incredible.

In the meantime, here's what happened the last time Dan Aykroyd came face-to-face with an over-eager grizzly...

THE UNBEARABLE WEIRDNESS OF BEING NICOLAS CAGE...

The good folks over at Lionsgate have unleashed the latest teaser for upcoming Nicolas Cage medieval spine chiller Season of the Witch, which you can watch RIGHT HERE WITH YOUR EYES...



Now, a couple of things to note:-

1. The film apparently has nothing to do with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, nor George Romero's lost 1973 horror pic Season of the Witch, nor indeed folkster Donovan, who has a song also called Season of the Witch. IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TO ALL OF THOSE OTHER THINGS. Okay?

2. It's directed by Dominic Sena, the man behind such perfectly functional hits as Gone In 60 Seconds & Kalifornia, as well as being responsible for the still-genius Halle Berry tit-reveal in Swordfish (actually, joking aside, Swordfish rocks.) Oh, and he directed the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation video, but you have to start somewhere, I guess.

3. It represents the next logical step in an increasingly weird series of career choices from Cage following appearance in such shoddities as Ghost Rider, Next & this supernatural/sci-fi guff-fest Knowing. After Season of the Witch, he'll next be seen in a modern-day, action-adventure version of The Sorceror's Apprentice - there's a vague frisson of excitement knowing that either film could potentially represent the nadir of his career...

4. On the plus side, his Herzog team-up in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is absolutely incredible and word is 2010's Kick Ass will be insane. So that's all good.

5. The premise revolves around the idea that a witch could have single-handledly been responsible for the Black Death, which is ludicrous but AMAZING. Appearance of Ron Perlman brings much coveted "Outlander" kudos to the exciting medieval action.

6. Perhaps most pant-wettingly exciting of all, Christopher Lee makes an appearance as a dastardly cardinal, and if anyone in the history of cinema was born to play a dastardly cardinal, then it's Rasputin The Mad Monk himself. Let's be honest, the plot is 100% pure Hammer awesomeness.

7. We'll absolutely be checking this one out on opening weekend (providing it doesn't go straight to DVD first, that is.)

8. Hope that's good enough to take Cage's mind off this.

9. And just what the hell was he thinking by doing this?

10. Er, that's it.

SUBTITLES OF THE DAMNED: DEAD SNOW...

Dead Snow = Dead Good.

NEW MOON: TWI-HARD...TWI-HARD: TWI-HARDER...TWI-HARD WITH A VENGEANCE...LIVE FREE OR TWI-HARD

THE GOOD...

1. Improves on the first movie in almost every possible way...it's bigger, brighter, sexier, sassier, cleverer, more expansive in scope (hello Italy!) and (yes!) camper than ever before... The script's hardly Harold Pinter but so what? This is big, dumb soap opera fun, so earnest and overwrought and OTT (especially in the delivery of some excruciating dialogue) it could almost be a Bollywood movie...

2. Vampire vs. werewolves add badly needed dramatic zing... Ironically, the first movie lacked any real bite and it never really felt as if anything was at stake (ahem)... here, the IMMENSELY homoerotic Jacob vs. Edward tensions really spice up the movie and provides Bella with some proper dilemmas to (sorry!) sink her teeth into.

3. Hellooooo Taylor Lautner!...dude completely aces it in what is probably the most difficult role in the film...After all, the majority of his screentime is spent hanging around half-naked, spouting syrupy shitty dialogue and trying not to look ridiculous... A tall order, which the he pulls off with ease - he's every inch the teen idol he needs to be when facing off against the mighty quiff of R-Patz... Oh, and not only is the guy completely and utterly pecked to the nines, Lautner also makes you care about Jacob's journey from adolescent loner to teenage werewolf (Twereolf?)

4. Speaking of R-Patz, he comes of age as a solid leading man in New Moon and smoulders like he's never smouldered before... And to think that in the 1970s, George Hamilton was considered to be the very definition of vampire chic (Love At First Bite = AMAZING.)

5. There's so much testerone flying around the screen you'd forgive Kristen Stewart for wanting to take a back seat but thankfully she's having none of it... On a roll this year following the terrific coming-of-age comedy Adventureland, Stewart takes the whole conflicted teen heartache thing and runs with it.

6. Hang on - was that Dakota Fanning? Yes, yes it was!

7. Production values massively improved this around - compared to it's rather lo-fi predecessor, New Moon actually looks like a proper film courtesy of some top notch cinematography (some of the mistier, in-the-woods stuff even evokes Hammer. Honestly!)

8. Too many other bat-shit crazy scenes to mention: the first reveal of Lautner's mega-chest..the jaw-droppingly brilliant/awful flash-forward "vision" sequence in which Edward and Bella run through the forest dressed like extras from The Sound Of Music (it's Edelweiss via The Bold & The Beautiful)...Bella's unfortunate foray into the world of dirt-biking (!)...Jacob & Bella's trip to the cinema to watch new cutting-edge action thriller "Face Punch"... Seriously, this film is NUTS.

9. A great cliffhanger that paves the way nicely for Eclipse (its director David Slade cut his teeth on "all men are fuckers" flick Hard Candy so at the very least it should be interesting.)

THE BAD...

1. Not enough Michael Sheen...as the sinister master of vampire sect the Volturi (and token Brit baddie - tick it off!) Newport's finest barely gets 15 mins of screen time in the whole movie, popping up to wreak havoc in the final act (It's as if the film suddenly goes "must have baddie now!") And while that's just about enough to get his big Welsh gnashers into a reasonably substantial piece of scenery, it would have been nice for him to show off his not inconsiderable acting chops for a little longer. (Note to producers: Michael Sheen needs to be cast in every film ever produced from hereon in.)

2. Director Chris Weitz still can't handle big "beast vs. beast" fight sequences..this is his second chance to stage a massive set-piece battle after cocking up the bear fight in The Golden Compass, and once again he misses by a long way...the CG's unconvincing and the action's uninvolving...wobbly.

3. Uncomfortable subtexts...basically, in Twilight-land (Twiland!) if you're a girl, you're pretty much 100% subservient to the man in your life, so much so that (added bonus!) if you ever dare piss him off, the likelihood is you'll get beaten or damaged in some very real, very physical way and (thank heavens!) it's almost always going to be your fault... Essentially, yes, you CAN have your uber-hot alpha-male vampire/werewolf boyfriend but only as long as you're prepared to bake him muffins and take a little rough and tumble along the way. INCREDIBLE. Still, while the film may not depict everyone's exact idea of a feminist utopia, it's obviously doing something right (I left the cinema drpping in oestrogen, just don't tell Doris Lessing...)

VERDICT...

Almost overpoweringly angst-filled...be warned, New Moon is pain-riddled, acne-stained emo through and through. In other words, this is the Paramore of stupid vampire movies and Twi-hards won't be disappointed... (despite wonky sexual politics.)

***

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY...THE MOST TERRIFYING FILM SINCE WHITE CHICKS?...

BIG SPOILERS AHEAD...


THE GOOD

1. A 100% stone-cold sleeper hit (almost literally - as in life, all the big set pieces take place in the bedroom) - its massive return on a low budget ($15k for the initial shoot) indicates big audience appeal...

2. Unyieldingly creepy in parts...the initial disturbances are all about noise and shadow and the single-camera set-ups that drive much of the film's ghoul action are clinically effective in forcing the audience to examine every part of the frame, even when nothing really appears to be going on...

3. Terrific central performances by newcomers Micah Stoat and Katie Featherston, the latter's descent into madness (and eventual possession) is completely convincing and grounds the movie in some form of hastily assembled reality when everything around her all gets a bit silly...you really get the sense anything could happen, none of the characters are safe...

4. The scenes in which Katie is literally dragged out of bed by the unseen demon are eery as hell...very unsettling stuff from director Oren Peli who effectively uses the movie as an 85-minute calling card.

5. Genuinely thrilling finale worthy of a master... The final shocking moments were pitched by Steven Spielberg himself and it shows - it's visceral, exciting film-making reminiscent of Spanish handheld horror classic [REC] in its sheer WTFness. In fact, the last couple of shots WILL shit you up. And the way the film immediately cuts to black as the houselights go up...there's a lack of finality about it that's audacious...there's no closure to be found here...

6. It's a terrific audience movie - Paranormal Activity really plays in front of a big crowd and half the fun is hearing the folks around you go "oooh" "ahhhh" and (occasionally) "aaaargh!" in all the right places...the simple premise and tight execution of the key scares virtually guarantee a reaction...(There's nothing better than watching a movie with big audience and actually hearing them react to whats on screen.)

7. There's something almost old-fashioned and a bit stubborn about it - at heart, despite the "found-footage" premise the story is a very traditional ghost yarn with all the usual beats you'd expect...it's no surprise that Spielberg (who loves a good ghost story himself - see Poltergeist) loved it, and unlike The Blair Witch Project, which never actually got round to telling us if something supernatural was going on, this wears its heart on its sleeve - we're never in any doubt something majorly fucked up is occurring.

8. Mark Fredrichs is hilarious as a psychic detective called in to investigate the disturbances...never before in the history of cinema has anyone been so unhelpful... he's so selfish he essentially just leaves Katie and Micah to die despite being fairly confident about how it's all going to play out. What a total shit. (And yet, AMAZING.)

THE BAD

1. It's NOT the scariest film ever made, regardless of virtually all the publicity material saying otherwise..the movie's too formulaic for that...this is essentially Amityville Horror via Blair Witch, or Drag Me To Hell if you drained out the slapstick. Some of the recent reviews (including a few 5-stars from people who should really know better) are baffling...IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.

2. Sometimes it's just too damn boring... In particular there are longeurs in the middle act where narrative momentum grinds to a crushing halt - the couple freak about their situation, calm down again, freak out some more, go to bed, get scared, repeat again and again...

3. There's a little too much dumb movie logic...for example, even though it's crystal clear something very creepy is going on when the lights go down, the couple's consistent refusal to move out and try their luck somewhere else doesn't ring true...handy if you're shooting a low-budget horror movie, pretty bloody dull for everyone else. And stupid, really. I mean, seriously - just MOVE HOUSE...ok, ok, so we're told that it would make no real difference in any event, that the ghost is really a demon and as such it would just simply follow them around etc... But you'd give it a try, wouldn't you? Especially when all the clues point to it living in the attic...The point is, if this was happening in real life, you'd run away. REALLY FAST.

4. The Ouijja Board scene is unintentionally hilarious. Perhaps it's just the novelty of seeing something so low-tech in 2009 but for whatever reason it simply doesn't work.

VERDICT...

An effective chiller with a handful of really nice old school scares, Paranormal Activity isn't exactly the most terrifying film you'll see, but it is fun and Oren Peli will no doubt go onto bigger and better things.

***

SPIELBERG + JACKMAN = ROBO-PLOP?...DREAMWORK SPLASHES OUT...

It's been announced that Dreamworks' first production under their recent $825mil refinancing deal will be the Hugh Jackman sci-fi/boxing hybrid Real Steel and frankly, it sounds like it's going to be a shocker...

Adapted from a short story by Richard Matheson and directed by Shawn Levy (the heart-breakingly talented auteur behind such masterstrokes as Cheaper By The Dozen and Night At The Museum), film is set in a future where robots fight against each other for sport, with Jackman starring as a down-on-his-luck ex-boxer looking for redemption by taking a particularly skilled robot to the top. Oh, and he reconnects with his son, of course!

Terrified yet? You should be - the premise sounds like a bunch of corn balls, Jackman's not exactly on a roll (Australia, Wolverine both duds) and the last movie based on a Matheson story was The Box, which may well be quite good (it opens in the UK next week) but it didn't exactly shit up the US box-office. Still, apparently Spielberg's behind the project all the way and with everything in place for a June 2010 shoot, there's still plenty of time to fix this thing before it hits cinemas. And we all enjoyed Surrogates, right? RIGHT?

Variety has the story.

I AM SIGOURNEY WEAVER/I AM NOT SIGOURNEY WEAVER...

I've written a letter to James Cameron...

Mr. J. Cameron
c/o Lightstorm Entertainment
919 Santa Monica Blvd
90401 Santa Monica
California, USA.

24 November 2009

Dear Jim (it's okay if I call you "Jim", right?),

Firstly, massive fan. Your contribution to cinema is completely inspiring (even Piranha 2!) and I'm really, reeeeally looking forward to Avatar, even though my friends refer to it as "that giant Smurf movie." Clearly they're movie-hating idiots!

Secondly, now that I have your attention {crossing my fingers right now!} I'd like to take this opportunity to pitch a unique marketing/TV tie-in idea which I think you'll agree is the perfect addition to your already AMAZING Avatar marketing campaign.

OK, ready? Here goes!

Basically, it's a prime-time, network quiz show called "I Am Sigourney Weaver/I Am Not Sigourney Weaver." Inspired by your completely and utterly revolutionary special effects techniques, the concept behind the show is simple: each contestant (picked at random from a ballot of convicts) is given an opportunity to guess whether the "Avatar" they're watching either is (or isn't!) movie legend Sigourney Weaver! If the contestant guesses correctly, they win! If they guess incorrectly, they lose! (Oh btw, losing = certain death.) It's that simple! (Lady Sigourney would herself be required to film several minutes of footage for each episode, although I'm sure with your string of industry contacts we'd be able to set this up!)

I'd be enormously grateful for any feedback you have on this idea, which I think could be the greatest quiz show idea since someone with too much money/cocaine decided that randomly opening cardboard boxes on primetime television somehow = mind-blowing entertainment. I look forward to us working together!

Yours sincerely,

Chris Blohm
Editor-in-Chief, 24 Frame Planet

P.S. If I hear anyone referring to Avatar fans as "Avatards" then I will publicly chide them.
P.P.S. My heart WILL go on if you read this!
P.P.P.S I've enclosed a picture of me in Avatar garb (Avagarb!) which I trust sufficiently encapsulates my sheer, unadulterated ENTHUSIASM for your new film!


Will let you know how it goes.

TRAILERS, Y'ALL: GREEN ZONE....CLASH OF THE TITANS...KICK ASS...

GREEN ZONE
Matt Damon, Greg Kinnear, Brendan Gleeson, Jason Isaacs
dir. Paul Greengrass

The latest thriller from Bourne Ultimatum director Paul Greengrass takes Rajiv Chandrasekaran's account of life in post-invasion Baghdad and turns it into a pulsating action drama, replete with Jason Bourne himself in the lead role. If the source material took a more sober look at the eccentricities of everyday life inside the Green Zone then the trailer makes the film look more like a modern techno-thriller, as Matt Damon kicks it out almost Modern Warfare-stylee. WIth Greg Kinnear along for the ride as a conspiring politico, this should be the first bone fide post-Iraq blockbuster... CLICK HERE

CLASH OF THE TITANS
Sam Worthington, Gemma Arterton, Ralph Fiennes, Liam Neeson
dir. Louis Leterrier

GIANT FUCKING SCORPIONS. That's pretty much all you need to know about this reboot of the 1981 fantasy extravaganza and Saturday afternoon classic. Reasons to be cheerful? Leterrier's the man who breathed life into the Hulk franchise so there's no reason why he can't do the same for this old chestnut, and Liam Neeson's beardy turn as a kick-ass Zeus looks camp as a bag of hammers. With FX to spare and Hollywood's new franchise poster-boy Sam Worthington in the lead, this should go head-to-head with Prince of Persia for 2010's most sandal-tastic adventure. Bring on those scorpions... CLICK HERE

KICK ASS
Aaron Johnson, Nicholas Cage, Chloe Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse
dir. Matthew Vaughn

One of the big draws of this year's Comic-Con, Matthew Vaughn's off-the-wall adaptation of Mark Millar's comic series should end up as one of 2010's break-out hits... Hip, ultra-violent and more than a little foul of the mouth, it depicts a world in which super-heroes don't exist, much to the annoyance of high school geek Dave Lizewski (played by British newcomer Aaron Johnson) who dons costume and takes to the streets in an ill-fated attempt to emulate his heroes. Nicholas Cage supports but the big buzz is all about 12-year old Chloe Moretz as tweenage avenger Hit Girl. Recent footage showcasing the movie's penchant for outrageous humour and hacked limbs has left audiences salivating - this is going to be huuuuuuge...CLICK HERE

HOLD ONTO YOUR POOHOLES...AND GET READY FOR THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE OF YOUR STUPID OLD LIFE...

Sometimes, a film comes along that doesn't just redefine the language of cinema as we know it...it changes your pespective on HUMANITY ITSELF. No, I'm not talking about 2012. I'm talking about a film of such dazzling beauty, such emotional resonance that the cinema screen itself cannot contain it. The experience is so overwhelming, so intense that it simply HAS to go direct to DVD... Ladeez and gentlemen, I give you...

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION

(thanks, Live For Films)

A SERIOUS MAN...COEN BROS. LATEST ROCKS/PERPLEXES HARD...

THE GOOD

1. It's the Coen Bros's most personal movie yet...Ok, so the Coens don't exactly make "personal" movies (or at least, ones we know about) but even so A Serious Man sees the duo shift down a gear into more domestic, low-key storytelling after the bloodbath of No Country For Old Men and the hectic misfire of Burn After Reading...film channels their own Minnesota upbringing and feels all the more intimate for it.

2. Michael Stuhlbarg's performance as maths professor & loyal husband/father Larry Gopnik...Stuhlbarg has been a jobbing TV actor for the past 10 years but A Serious Man represents his first lead role in a movie...It's a stunner, too - as the hapless protagonist, Stuhlbarg exudes humanity in a way we haven't seen in a Coen Bros movie since Frances McDormand's award-winning turn in Fargo...he WILL be Oscar-nominated.

3. The final shot of a tornado headed straight towards the young Danny Gopnik (played with confidence by newcomer Aaron Wolf) is stunning and poetic...Sure, there's lots of speculation as to what it all means, exactly (the existential shit-storm coming to Danny post-Bar Mitzvah as he hurls himself into the responsibilities and obligations of adult life, perhaps?) but whatever your interpretation, there's no denying its puzzling beauty...one of the most haunting scenes you'll see in a cinema this year.

4. It's a small-scale film about big questions...as Gopnik's life starts falling apart around him, he turns to three local Rabbis for guidance...Naturally, being a Coen Bros movie at no point is an easy solution on the table - take, for instance, the diverting "Goy's Teeth" sequence, in which a dentist desperately tries to make sense of a series of Hebrew inscriptions discovered on the inside of a patient's teeth only to be told not to worry about it...this pretty much sums up everything about the film's philosophy and approach to narrative convention (don't think too hard, take it easy, it's the journey that counts etc.)

5. Richard Kind...the movie's biggest name (he's a regular in Curb Your Enthusiasm) also plays its most curious character, Gopnik's brother Arthur, who's sleeping on the sofa and working on his own gambling theory which seems to work but no one really seems to know why...He's the lost soul of the film, and underplays beautifully.

6. It's funny. Really funny. From the increasingly sinister attempts of a Korean student trying to bribe Gopnik into bumping his grades to the sheer uselessness of the Rabbis' advice, the gags flow pretty consistently throughout. Just don't expect big belly laughs, however - this is black stuff.

7. Roger Deakins. As you'd expect from the legendary cinematographer & regular Coen collaborator (with the exception of Burn After Reading, he's handled every one of their films since Barton Fink) the film looks gorgeous, perfectly capturing Gopnik's suburban hell as the world closes in around him.

THE BAD

1. Not exactly entry-level Coens...loose plot and meandering structure will no doubt perplex as many people as it will delight e.g. period prologue set within a Polish shetl & entirely in Yiddish is interesting but apparently unconnected with the main events of the film...that's the kind of artistic freedom you get when you're the Coen Bros...

2. Female characters are either secretaries, adulterers or sex objects...if you're looking for strong women then go elsewhere (disappointing from the creaters of Fargo's brilliant Marge Gunderson)...This is very much about the Jewish male experience.

3. It's still as cynical as hell, another Coen trait...Despite his apparent attempts to do the right thing at all opportunities, Gopnik's life still falls apart around him for reasons he can't control or will never understand...any attempt to improve his situation tends to result in failure or confusion.

4. Er, that's it. This is the Coens on form...

VERDICT...

Like The Man Who Wasn't There, this is very much one for the fans. The Coens have long since given up trying to adapt their unique world-view for a mainstream audience and there's nothing in A Serious Man that suggests they're about to change anytime soon. However, if you want to take the ride, you'll find it a rich, rewarding, if occasionally frustrating experience.

****

2012...IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS ROLAND EMMERICH KNOWS IT...AUDIENCE FEELS FINE...

THE GOOD

1. Amazing special effects...let's be absolutely clear, the end of the world has never looked this good. Unlike a lot of so-called blockbusters where it's nigh on impossible to see exactly how they spent their enormo-budgets, 2012 splashes its cash all over the screen like a massive CG dirty protest...it's huge cost (reportedly a gargantuan $260mil) is up there for all to see and it looks incredible.

2. Edge-of-your-seat escapes...despite being completely and utterly ridiculous, the initial dash out of California is one of the most exhilirating action sequences you'll see in any movie this year (so much so that it received a begrudging round of applause at the screening I attended...say what you will about Roland Emmerich, he's a showman.)

3. An attitude to science that's so cavalier and downright idiotic you just have to give it credit...So apparently the end of the world is caused by neutrinos from the Sun warming up the Earth's core like microwaves?...Crust chaos ensues. Bravo, Mr Emmerich, bravo! Such bullshit is to be commended.

4. The Vatican gets totalled...the only bad thing about this is that Ewan McGregor wasn't fucking parachuting over it at the time (despite obvious gaps in logic and reason, 2012 still comes across as 10 times more plausible than Angels & Demons.) Oh, and while we're at it - Hawaii? You're FUCKED.

5. John Cusack. Nonsense like this needs someone likeable at its centre and Cusack nails it...he's just cool enough without being too smarmy and you're with him every step of the way even when things get really, really silly. In other words, you'll want John Cusack to be your crappy dad.

6. Danny Glover IS the President of the United States of America... First, Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact, and now Lethal Weapon's very own Roger Murtaugh - who knows, maybe one of these days the US will actually get a black president for real! Anyway, Glover's great throughout - stoic, grounded, authoratitive...he may be too old for this shit, but he certainly doesn't act like it. (My prediction for Independence Day 2? Bill Cosby.)

7. The dog survives! This is a pre-requisite for any modern disaster movie, the principle being "who gives a shit about the death of billions of innocent human beings when there's a pooch on the line?" Admittedly, the scene in question isn't exactly up to the standards of Independence Day's amazing "dog survives nuclear-style blast in tunnel by jumping out of the way" sequence but hey, at least it's there.

8. It knows it's bollocks. In one crucial twist, the crust of the Earth moves 1000 miles thus enabling our heroes to get to their destination in a fraction of the time despite running perilously low on fuel...Only a film with an acute sense of its own existential ridiculousness would have the guts to try this kind of shite and get away with it.

9. Woody Harrelson is perfect as the conspiracy theorist/hippy blogger who implausibly knows every detail of the government's Super Secret Plan to ensure the survival of humanity...along with Zombieland, Harrelson's having quite a year, in a "token hick" sort of way.

10. It's not Knowing.

THE BAD

1. It's loooong...at 2hrs38min, film veers into Harry Potter territory, length-wise but doesn't really have the story to sustain it...your bum WILL be numbed. (The most perfect blockbuster ever made is Raiders of the Lost Ark and that's exactly 115 minutes including credits. Just saying.)

2. All that sub-Poseidon Adventure nonsense at the end undermines the spectacle of everything that went before...and did they really have to a have a "countdown to destruction" style finale?...As soon as that clock started ticking there was only ever going to be one resolution.

3. Forget the whole "Ark" premise at the end - the film should have had the courage of its convictions and sent its survivors into space...it's the only way it could have got any bigger.

4. Like any disaster movie, the characters are, to a certain extent, stereotypes covering off most demographics...the nationality/gender/occupation of each character seems to determine their narrative function or direction, and as pointed out by the excellent Skepchick blog, the ladies in particular get real short shrift.

5. Product placement is shameless...Sure, these movies cost an awful lot of money but does it have to be so blatant? According to 2012, the end of the world will be sponsored by Sony Vaio...

6. Even in tosh like this where suspension of disbelief is essential for Maximum Entertainment Value, there are just some logical chasms you shouldn't leap, namely in the final act, after the Earth's tectonic plates have been shifted beyond all recognition, when entire countries have been drowned and billions killed, apparently it's still relatively straightforward to get a mobile signal and divulge important plot information to the key protagonists. Okay, from an artistic viewpoint, the film isn't exactly The White Ribbon but c'mon, really???

VERDICT...

Emmerich's masterpiece of destruction & the biggest, bestest, most pedal-to-the-metal, balls-to-the-wall disaster movie royale with cheese you'll see this year. Think The Day After Tomorrow and then think 20 times bigger than that.

****

Aliens. Vikings. Jesus. Is "Outlander" the film of the year? (Fuck you, Michael Haneke.)

So I finally caught up with Outlander recently... Funnily, it's not exactly The Battle of Algiers, but if you're looking for a little bit of hot "Viking vs. Alien" action then get ready to meet your new favourite film. Featuring a veritable shit-fest of ham-packed performances and some of the hokiest CG you'll this side of Giant Shark Vs. Mega Octopus, Howard McCain's sci-fi actioner wears its B-movie credentials on its sleeve, coming across like a low-rent Predator via Beowulf.

Sound good? Absolutely, and for much of its 90 minutes, Outlander delivers on its promise of good, old-fashioned cheap and cheerfuls. Limbs get ripped, bits get hacked and the alien beast thing quickly makes mince-meat out of the hapless Viking hordes. In other words, it's shit and it knows it is. Nothing wrong with that.

It's not all fun and games, however. The action's fairly perfunctory and despite the occasional glimpse of splatter, the film feels bloodless (there are a couple of disembowellings but really, this is all PG-13 stuff - expect anything more spicy and you'll just end up disappointed.) Needless to say, John Hurt's clearly slumming it here and Jim Cavaziel displays all the charisma of a nail in the face. Thank goodness, then, for nasty old Ron Perlman who cranks up the camp and gets completely Scandanavian on the asses of all involved, despite relatively little screen time.

There's a large chunk of exposition at the beginning of the final act that fleshes out Cavaziel's character and tells you all about the alien's origins, but in reality it's completely unnecessary and just delays the action. And a bizarre banquet scene in which Cavaziel and Jack Huston (like a prettier, cheaper Karl Urban) demonstrate their sheer, sweaty manliness (and bond!) by drunkenly racing across some upturned shields feels like it's from a completely different movie.

And yet, Outlander is never completely terrible, just bland, and happily kills 90 minutes without offending anyone. Direction is serviceable and production values exactly what you'd expect from this kind of low-budget potboiler. The thing is, that concept, that original pitch is a killer, and you're left wondering what someone like Sam Raimi in his Evil Dead prime, or even Guillermo Del Toro could do with this material.